Help for Spouses of Sexual Addictions
The destructiveness of addiction lies in our slavery to these things, turning desire into compulsion, with ugly and loveless consequences for ourselves and our world.
Discovering that one's spouse is addicted to sex—whether it be pornography and/or sexually acting out with others—leaves one feeling betrayed, angry, lost, confused, and grief-stricken. No part of the marriage is left unscathed. Not only does your sexual self feel shattered and vulnerable, your sense of trust is utterly broken. Your shared history is not what you thought, your imagined future is not what you hoped. Your entire marriage feels like a lie. Adding insult to injury, your finances may be profoundly compromised as a result of the addiction. Not only does an enormous amount of chaos and hurt enter the marriage, the family unit is profoundly affected as well. How does one handle the changes in a home when chaos, sadness, tension, grief, and the feeling of everything-turned-upside-down becomes the new environment in which a family lives? No matter how hard parents try to hide or mask the chaos, children sense that something is wrong even when they cannot name it. Whether you seek to end or stay in the marriage, the implications of sexual addiction will profoundly affect you, your spouse, and your children. Spouses of addicts are often resistant to seek treatment for a variety of reasons. Sexual addiction leaves the betrayed spouse feeling utterly alone and isolated, and they often tell no one that their world has been turned upside down. Alcoholism—even drug addiction—is much more apt to be openly discussed than sexual addiction, and neither carry the same weight of shame. Even as celebrities—some of the most beautiful and physically fit—reveal their plights of spousal betrayal through sexual addiction, the preconceptions, myths, and lies about this addiction continue. If a spouse isn't already battling misplaced feelings of guilt and sexual inferiority, a well-meaning friend's encouragement to "lose a few pounds" as helpful remedy only further humiliates and alienates the betrayed spouse. Often a spouse resists seeking treatment because they fear that addressing the issue will cause the marriage to further implode and ultimately come apart. As rejected as they feel, the fear of further rejection and ultimate abandonment keep them frozen and alone, unable to obtain the care they need. Sometimes a spouse feels that the offending spouse is the one to blame, that they are not the one with "the problem." But "the problem" leaves the spouse of sexual addiction utterly devastated and changed by what has happened. Without the proper help, a spouse will be living at the mercy of another's addiction as well as their own fears and guilt. Denial, blame, and contempt are always waiting in the wings as evil's tools to further destroy a marriage and a person. Research has shown that when spouses of addicts seek help for themselves, they are able to move from a life of chaos and betrayal to one of healing and stability. They find the perspective and strength they need to determine the best course for their future as well as for the future of the marriage. Because the trauma experienced in a relationship with a sex addict is so profound and far-reaching, the best recovery results for a betrayed spouse are found in treatment with a trained professional, as well as support from a twelve-step program such as S-Anon , COSA, or Celebrate Recovery. With therapy, a spouse can learn to separate themselves and their well-being from that of their spouse's actions. They are able learn and come to understand the true nature of sexual addiction, and no longer live at the mercy of its myths and lies. With the help of a skilled therapist, spouses of sexual addiction find compassion, support, and guidance as they walk step by step through their very complicated, but ultimately healing journey. Discovering sexual addiction in a spouse is a devastating reality, but healing and renewed hope is indeed possible for spouses of sex addicts.Our experiences with abandonment and unwanted change are crisis moments when we must decide whether or not to leave behind the life that is gone forever. We can do that only if we believe in the ongoing creativity of God, who brings light and beauty to the dark chaos of our losses in life.